Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Senior Escape Tunnel Discovered and Closed

Cambridge MA City Government (People's Censorship Republic) discovered an escape tunnel dug under the City Wide Senior Center across from City Hall. The Counter Intelligence Unit of the Department of Inspectional Services suspects the tunnel was used for months by seniors to escape from the city. No one was in the tunnel when tunnel sniffing dogs found the secret entrance in the Senior Center. The Human Rights Commission scheduled an essay writing contest for high school students: "Why Would Anyone Want to Leave Cambridge?" Legal Information Advisers for the Police Department's Civil Rights Division ordered the tunnel immediately shut. One high ranking police official said, "Tunnels are double-edged swords. People can use them to sneak into Cambridge too. What would we do with all of those extra people?" he mused. City Councilors remained silent apparently unaware of the tunnel. One Council research aide requesting that his name not be revealed, wondered why so many seniors disappeared. "Where do all the old people go?" he asked. City Council Diversity officers demanded statistics on escapees. "How many African Americans were allowed to escape? How many gays and lesbians? How many women compared to men?" they asked in their joint press release. The Disability Commission did not inquire if the tunnel was accessible. The Information Czar for Cambridge's Nuclear War Commission wants to see police records about fighting between seniors and high school students. A spokesman for Cambridge seniors explained that local residents stored excess food in the tunnel. One senior who spoke on condition of anonymity said, "The Cambridge Economic Opportunity Council seized our food and gave it to the food bank. We worked hard to get these commodities collecting cans and bottles. The City Manager and the City Council have no compassion for us because they make so much money and get their food for free." The Minister of Information for the DPW said, "That explains where all of the rodents come from. Old people feed them."






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